starting again

being at home is the best.
it has proven difficult to settle in with percy tho. she obviously doesn't realise that this is home, no more new rooms, planes, buses, trains, and that we (or maybe just i) expected easy bliss with her sleeping and eating and starting to crawl and being a joy every second of the day. my expectation management system clearly crashed on landing at kingsford smith. if i had expected a shit time i probably would have been less upset. as it is i stupidly expected her to fall happily into our home life and for me to lighten up and enjoy the time i have with her.

it really is more like starting again tho. percy has to get comfortable in a new environment and a new bed again. could she have any memories of here from her first 10 weeks of life?
we want to stop wrapping her and giving her a dummy to sleep. unfortunately these are her cues to sleep and she doesn't unless she has both. we are working up to taking the dummy away this weekend. (say a prayer for us!) if we unwrap her she either knocks or takes the dummy out of her mouth with her now free hands. this might be alright for a short while but she'll invariably cry for it to be put back in. she can put it back in herself but only one time out of five and then sometimes she neglects to let go before she moves her hand away so out it comes again. my advice to new parents- if you can avoid it don't ever give your baby a dummy and certainly don't use it to get them to sleep. couldn't someone have told us this before we started?
on the positive sleep side. she is completely capable of self-settling. she is wide awake when we put her down for naps or the night and she puts herself to sleep. no more rocking or singing. so little pat on the back for small victories.

feeding!! crap, here i go again. percy, despite all the interest she shows in our food and us eating, isn't keen on her own food. we've tried tiny amounts of baby rice cereal, apple, pear, banana and avocado. she has fought and yelled and turned her head away after two spoon tips nearly every time. i've given up with other types of food; i'm just going to go with the rice cereal until she takes it well. i'm a little bouyed by her dinner feed yesterday. she had around six spoonfuls of cereal before she turned her head away. and no yelling. of course i've also learned that what happens one day does not mean squat for the next day. so we shall see.
second bad food front thing- she now also refuses a bottle. she took a bottle a few times before we left and i think twice while in kiev. now she won't. perhaps because it was formula and that shit tastes like it! can't say i blame her. so i suppose i will be expressing a lot from now on. unfortunately expressing is not one of my strong points. s'pose i better get better fast.
this is primarily a problem if i go back to work soon and darling perc has to go to day care. she'll be getting a bottle there...

last tuesday percy had her six month check-up and immunisation shots. the doctor is happy that she is a picture of health. this was reassuring to me- just being a paranoid first time mum. often when meeting people on the street they will guess her age; and it's always less than she is- i'm wondering if she is small for her age. am i malnourishing her? the doctor did weigh her at 7.9 kilos but that was with nappy and clothes on. those cloth nappies weigh a fair bit. i'll weigh her myself at bath time tonite. i estimate 7.5 would be the upper end of the mark.
she cried when the needles went in but was happy again a minute later.

i have some really down moments when percy is inexplicably crying. what is upsetting her? am i just not being interesting enough? i've got to admit she's not that interesting some of the time. i get bored with the same toys, songs, tickles, walks, books, changing nappies, baths, changing clothes, naps, sleeping, feeds, struggles, always looking at the clock... i wonder what else there is to life with children. everyone says it's the best thing that's ever happened to them. hmmmm... is it just me that finds it tedious? perhaps i'm a terrible mother but i can think of other things that i enjoy as much as i enjoy percy. that's probably my selfish side coming out there.
there is a huge juxtaposition here. i love and adore percy more than she'll ever know, i'll guide and protect her as best i can. and on occasion i wish i could send her back. i'm sure i'll come to regret writing this.

anyways, this blog is about percy; not me feeling miserable for myself. we're off to a mothers and babies yoga class in a hour so i better get my shit together.