those moments..

there are those moments in life, perhaps they happen every day, that define what being a parent means to you. those things that might pass unremarked, nearly unnoticed, that nevertheless stay in your mind; for recall, reassessment... reaction.
there sits a constant ache in the centre of my chest that reminds me loving percy is a visceral thing. it's not a pain or an illness, it's just a constant throb that means i'm never unaware of her or not thinking of her. she tugs at me physically even when the kilometres stretch between us.
i often think of the three weeks i spent in den bosch lieing at nite with our heads nestled together. the ultimate sweetness of her; her rounded cheeks with her long lashes resting closed, temporarily veiling her deep, wine-dark eyes. those nites were precious and sacred. much like her first few weeks when she slept between paul and i every nite. the difference with the den bosch time being that i selfishly didn't have to share her.
i had percy to myself again on tuesday nite as paul was in shellharbour, keeping what we thought might have been a death bed vigil beside his sick grandfather. i didn't give in to having her sleep with me again tho. now that she is so mobile being in bed with mamma or pappa is considered an opportunity to play, wrestle, bounce, pop out some eyeballs (thankfully unsuccessfully so far!), giggle and wriggle- anything but sleep.

(paul's grandfather has no confirmed diagnosis at present. he's just tremendously sick, including being bed-ridden. despite the revulsion our society generally places on discussing palliative care, euthansia and the death of a loved, older relative, it really would be for the best if he didn't pull thru. he currently resides in the dementia unit of a high-care nursing home where his quality of life is crap. he doesn't know who he is himself, let alone any of his family or carers. his list of other illnesses and medications is long, what does he have to live for?
is this one of those moments when you can confront and assess what it means to you to be a child, and a grandchild too?)

those moments when percy greets you with a smile as wide as her face, both arms stretched out inviting you to gather her up and hold her close. i think the unabashed joy of those moments will never fade, even when she's more likely to be able to pick me up than vice versa!
those moments when you finally get a good sized meal into her. those moments when she speaks a new word. those moments when she manically shakes the see-saw to make it ride up and down again. those moments when she tears down the hall futilely chasing the cats. those moments when she smacks her lips together, a drop of milk whitening them and sighs more contentedly than any cleopatra did upon sighting her conquering roman general. those moments of resting her soft head against your shoulder, nuzzling under your ear. those moments when her fingers curl around yours...
all these keep that throb alive.

on a lighter note- those moments when she sleeps from 7pm to 7am without a stir are the best of all. who am i kidding! she hasn't slept like that ever- i often doubt she ever will! aahhh well...